Some back story: My husband and I met when I was 17. I hated him at first and was like "no way" when he was basically obsessed with me. It took me a while to come around, and once I did we had a few good months. Then he cheated on me and broke up with me. I begged for him back, he came around. We argued constantly. He's a stoic and really "cold." I never really felt loved. I'm kind of needy... not in a suffocating way, but I need affection and I have to feel that love in my relationships. But I was in love with the boy and I kept fighting to have him in my life. I told all my friends I was going to marry him. We broke up again, this time for longer. We stopped speaking and I moved away.
I wound up going back to my home town temporarily on my way to move down to Sarasota to live with my father. During that time, after 6 months or so, Carlos wanted to hang and be friends. He said he missed me. We got back together and eventually he proposed. He went to college at UCF and I went to the Sarasota School of Massage Therapy. We were off and on after the move. The distance was difficult. It was his first time not living with his overbearing parents, and so he was enjoying his freedom. I had gotten to know Hutch early 2007, and by April I was almost done dealing with my then-boyfriend. I called to tell him it was over, and I'd no longer be visiting him. (We were still sleeping together.)
Hutch and I began dating, but a few days after we decided to be serious I found out I was pregnant. I had never expected this to happen as I had severe endometriosis and was told at 16 I would never have children. I panicked. I thought I was doing the logical thing by breaking up with Hutch and going back to Carlos to start a family.
We married when Gaia was 5 months old. We were kind of pressured into it by family and friends. Everyone was like "Okay guys, now what?" We had a beach wedding that was planned and arranged in two weeks time.
Just because we were married and had a child together did not mean we were in love. In retrospect, I don't believe he ever really truly loved me. Our ups have always been centered around sex and our downs have always been centered around me not being good enough to deserve his time. I'm biased in saying that, but that's how things felt on my end. I had had enough by Gaia's second birthday, and so when we returned home for the holidays in 2009 I met up with Hutch. We connected again so quickly and one thing led to another.
That summer I left Carlos. He got a new girlfriend. I had Hutch. Then when my husband and his girl split, he started saying he missed us, etc. So last summer Gaia & I came back. I really wanted this happy family thing. It was only a matter of days before realizing it wasn't going to work out. Nothing had changed. If nothing changes over a seven year battle, nothing is going to help. We agreed a divorce was in order.
So here I am, looking over this packet. Legal jargon up the bum, let me tell you.
Here's the plan: divorce, move, life. That's it. I try not to think about one aspect too much because I get overwhelmed easily. I'm really excited to finally move on though. I have a sense of peace and positivity for the future. I've spent most of my adult life thus far worried and stressed. I'm really excited to turn over this new leaf and claim my spot amongst the happy people. :)
What a rather long and revealing post...